Mr.America

At first I thought it was a rock concert as it was the first time I saw so many drunk Americans together at one place after Woodstock ’69, but it wasn’t so. Then I thought the aliens have finally landed in Washington, as America is the favorite place for all aliens including illegal ones like the Mexicans, but this wasn’t the case either. The reason for all the uber excited people gathering in Washington was that the U.S.A had elected its first African-American president ever, his name ‘Denzel Washington Barrack Hussien Obama”. When I pondered over this guys name for some time I noticed something startling. His name had uncanny resemblance to the names of two evil characters of a bed time fable that George W Bush insisted to hear every night of his 8 years of presidency from Dick Cheney before going to sleep. Those names were ‘Saddam Hussein’ and ‘Osama bin Laden’. But then I think the Americans were too busy forcing democracy on random Arab countries thus failing to realize the fatal co-incidence, and hence voted him.

Now that my blog has started getting a few hits and comments without me holding someone at gunpoint, I think I should also express here what I think about Mr. Barrack Obama, the second most powerful American in the world, the first of course being Spiderman.

Barrack Black Obama:

You can be his baby it don't matter if you're black or white.

The U.S.A has seen 43 presidents before this, each one brought something new and unique to the office, like JFK brought with him his charm and charisma, Ronal Reagan brought with him his version of economics and George W. Bush brought with himself his pet puppy. But this is the first time a president would walk into that office with a black skin. The world is seeing this as a part of the emancipation of the black society in the U.S. But don’t they realize that the ‘lets-enslave-these-negros’ days are long gone, and some blacks like Akon, P.Diddy , Nelly and Eminem* are tormenting us repeatedly because the music channels these days would only play their music, that is if you call that hip-hop thing music.

But I really don’t think Obama represents the blacks truly. I mean look at him, he is like the whitest black guy I have ever seen, I know a few south Indians who can give him a good run for his money when it comes to being black. But one thing is for sure the black card really worked for the democrats this time and according to sources the next presidential candidate for the democrats is rumored to be Shrek, as he would be the first Green American to be contesting elections.

Challenges to be met:

"Alright, what do I do now?" - Barrack Obama just after winning the elections.

Barrack Obama’s resume closely matches mine or any other fresher engineer for that matter. He has absolutely no experience about anything related to administration and basically has a total blank under the ‘Work Experience’ section of his bio data. The only thing which makes his resume a bit special is his ‘Extra curricular activities’ section where he has stuff like basketball, football etc. which is exactly how far most Americans think when it comes to current affairs.

Walking into that office would be like walking into a huge mess which he has supposedly taken the responsibility to clear.

Let’s discuss some of these:

A) The Economic Crisis:

The world faces a huge economic turmoil starting from America where bunch of fat bellied, beer guzzling uncle Sams decided that they were way too smart to pay back their home loans, car loans, education loans, beer loans or the expenditure at the strip club loans.

Mr. Obama has realized the gravity of the situation and has taken immediate steps like throwing an extravagant $170 million welcome party and lowering stripper fares.

He has also announced that the outsourcing of IT projects to various Indian companies would be reduced. I’m sure soon he would realize his mistake and agree that we are just better than them when it comes to brainwork, leaving the Americans back to doing something they are good at, like making porn movies with brilliant concepts.

B) Iraq:

In the year 2003 the beautiful mind of George W bush hatched a brilliant plan to invade Iraq. The justification that was given for this most bizarre invasion was that Saddam Hussein was hiding ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and they also had the suitable intelligence reports backing these claims from reliable sources like Bush’s bed time visions.

But after a while it became clear that the only WMD in Iraq was the old, stinky Military uniform of Sadam, which was properly disposed off by putting it in the nearest laundry shop, by the allied forces.

Since then Iraq has become a thorn in the side of America, a thorn from the tree they themselves planted.

Obama’s biggest responsibility would be to somehow draw a plan to exit from Iraq without showing the inevitable ‘oops-sorry guys-we-fucked-up’ look on their faces when they confront the Iraqis and the international community.

C) Avoiding the Grave threat of Paris Hilton losing her pet dog again:

This is one of the things which has the Obama administration perplexed.

Yes we can:

Yeah!

Last few weeks we saw thousands of diehard Obama fans repeatedly shouting the slogan ‘Yes we can’ in unison. The most astonishing thing about that being that none of these people have any clue about what exactly ‘they can’?

That question was asked to a bunch of Obama fans in an Obama campaign venue:

Q) So guys, “Yes you can, DO WHAT”?

Californian Surfer: “I don’t know dude, but this black guy looks serious about that shit!”

African American Guy: “Yo, ma man says it right, Yes we can. Yo look at my Gold chain homie, shizzle my nizzle, Yo!”

Working class American: “Yes we can, drink even more beer before we pass out”

Joker of the Dark Knight: “Yes we can, play a game.”

Stand For Change(Chhutte ke liye khade raho):

This is a campaign slogan that Obama extensively used. I think this slogan is entirely inspired from India especially Mumbai, where the people stand and wait for change almost everywhere from the traffic signals to the BEST buses to the railway ticket windows.

Also, anyone who has heard him speak for a couple of times or so, would know that there are actually three basic words most of his speech revolves around ‘change, optimism and hope’. An excerpt from one of his speeches actually looks like this.

“The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change!”

George Bush’s reaction:

George W Bush is going to join the crowd of the teaming millions of jobless people across the world. Here is a little incident which might show what he thinks of Mr.Obama filling in his place and continuing his legacy.

George Bush’s personal assistant by the name of Nicolas Cage walks in to his office to give the news….

Nicolas : “Sir, Mr. Obama the new president elect will take your place at the white house, I’m afraid you would have to move out pretty soon”.

(Bush smiles and his face shows a satisfied expression of peaceful resignation)

Bush: “Alright Nic, Thanks”.

(Nicolas turns to leave)

Bush: “Nicolas!”

Nicolas: “Yes Sir?”

Bush: “Do I get to take the X-Box 360?”.

Nicolas: “Yes Sir!”.

Nicolas turns to go again when bush calls him again.

Bush: “And the Lord of the Rings DVD box set?”

Nicolas: “Yeah you can take that as well”.

Bush(Pumping both fists in the air): “Awesome, love you guys!”.

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*The events mentioned in this post are purely fictional. If you find anything offensive, you can rant on the blog itself, but there are good chances I wont consider you. So don’t come here and whine instead go and kill yourself.*

Caught in the web!

It was the year 2005. I had no life, I was alone, I was doing nothing. The only thing that would bring a smile on my face was when I would fart in a room full of people and watch their faces turn to utter disgust. I was depressed and was increasingly developing suicidal tendencies, out of boredom and with the uneventful life I was living. I couldn’t take it anymore. Just when I thought I have had enough and was about to choke my self by shoving three Jumbo Vada Pavs down my throat, that’s when this girl came into my life like a disguised angel and introduced me to the world of Social Networking Websites.

I can’t really express in words (actually I can’t really express anything through words) how social networking has changed my life. It gave my life a new purpose. Before this the Internet to me was a vast ocean full of worthless information, pirated music and free porn, but now my outlook towards the internet changed. Now the internet gave me the chance to contact my long lost friends, find some new ones and take part in forums where people discussed and shared with each other stuff from the net which interests them, which usually is full of worthless information and of course the free porn.

As a result of the impact social networking websites have had on me, I felt it was my responsibility to do a little review of them on my Blog whose popularity ratings on the internet matches my own popularity with hot supermodels.

1) Orkut.

· Orkut, not to be confused with words like ‘chirkut’ or ‘whorecute’, was created by a random South American geek by the name of ‘Orkut Büyükkokten’, where the Spanish word ‘Büyükkokten’ roughly translates into English as ‘…the one to ruin your already non existent social life’.

· Orkut burst out onto the scene especially in India some five years ago by mobilizing the lonely youth which apparently had nothing better to do. It showed them the bright prospects of getting laid once they join in. Its only later that they realized that most of the hot people had their relationship status set to ‘committed’, and the only people who were single and looking for dates were either a)Guys, b)Pakistanis or c)Girls with looks just slightly better than that of Amrish Puri.

· It is filled with Brazilians, Indians and Pakistanis mostly, but they keep their distances and no one inter mingles, any honest attempt to do so would result in the dirtiest abuses thrown at each other in their own languages which the other party wouldn’t understand.

· The greatest advantage of using Orkut over other websites is its simplicity and user friendly nature although I have seen plenty of guys who would write a scrap in their own scrapbook or something like ‘hey please get that DVD when you come to my place’ in peoples testimonials thinking it to be a way of passing offline messages.

· It has got various communities, which people create to get people together and socialize; it also gives the owners and moderators, who have no say in events in their real life, a chance to ban someone for no reason whatsoever and exercise their fantasies over other members, legend has it that the pleasure of banning people on Orkut communities is only secondary to orgasmic pleasure. This is the reason almost all the communities are inactive and the only reason people join them is to make a style statement of some sorts to impress visitors. The only active communities are the ones which have allowed anonymous posting. Man! Screwing some one over the forums without revealing your identity is so much fun.

· Now days, guys at Orkut are trying to develop their security system after girls complained about strangers typing random obscenities in their scrapbooks or copying their pictures and photoshoping their faces over the bodies of eminent personalities like Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra and lately Rakhi Sawant.

· Orkut is changing rapidly with new applications and features being added to it virtually every day. The creative team at Orkut has achieved this change by following the bollywood mantra of ‘if you can’t get as good as the other guy then start copying him shamelessly’. That is the reason why you would notice that Orkut is increasingly becoming to Facebook what Harman Baweja is to Hrithik Roshan or what Shahid Kapoor is to Shahrukh Khan or what Tushar kapoor is to that Vodafone Dog.

Tariq’ Jumbo Vada Pav Ratings: 3 JVP’s/5 + 1 Saada Vaada Pav for saving my life.

So that makes it 3.5JVP’s/5

2)Facebook

· Facebook was popularized by people who were ‘way too cool’ for Orkut and left messages in their Orkut display names such as ‘Orkut sux FB rox’ or ‘Switched to FB’ sometimes even writing those messages in aLtErNaTe cApS to get the point across more effectively, sigh!

· Facebook applications are some of the most useful things known to mankind. Like if one of your friend and his family are starving somewhere in Afghanistan then you could send him a delicious cake through the bakery application, how exciting! I can guarantee you that your life will never be the same once you know which F.R.I.E.N.D.S character are you, or which friend of yours is more compatible with you, which soft drink you are, which colour is best for you, which position is best for your sexual life, which kind of a guy/girl would best suit you, who are your celebrity look alike, which terrorist are you, which narcotic is best for you, which kind of sexual offender are you etc. As a general rule of law the more the applications added on a person’s profile, the more the chances are of that person turning out to be a complete retard.

· An average facebook addict’s profile would take ages to load even on one of the latest high tech processor PC’s. So its better that you save all the work on your comp and then click on someone’s profile because if that person is bordering mental retard ness then your computer is going to hang bigtime.

· Facebook is also exceedingly used by self obsessed teenage girls who are really popular in their colleges, they are also known as ‘sluts’. These girls use the FB platform to share the insane amounts of photos they take. The titles of these photos range from ‘me’, ‘myself’, ‘me and my friends’ to ‘me from another angle’, ‘me with a new hairstyle’, ‘me with my uncle’s daughters’, ‘me with a new hairstyle with my uncles daughter at my uncles funeral’ etc. And they wish the entire world would comment on those photos, a wish which is mostly fulfilled just by other ‘sluts’ like themselves.

· Like Orkut has communities Facebook has groups. There are groups for virtually every thing you can think of. You can type any random stuff like ‘I like to pick my left nose hole with my right hand pinky finger’ do a little search on it and voila! You would find hundreds of groups with thousands of people interested in the same thing as you.

· The biggest disadvantage of facebook is how difficult it has made for stalkers like me and you (yes you!) to create a fakie there. This is where Orkut scores, where the probability of finding fakies in any community is greater than that of finding Atif Aslam songs on a girl’s cellphone.

Tariq’s Jumbo Vada Pav Ratings: 2JVP’s/5.

3)Hi5!

See if you have a Hi5 profile then its highly possible that you have a profile on one of the above two websites, I am also sure that anyone having a profile on Hi5 (or any other weird social networking website) is really desperate and has tried almost everything to make friends. In that case I pray to God that you get laid pretty soon.

No Jumbo Vada Pav ratings for Hi5!

The CAT was there, the bell was where?

CAT’08, I remember how was in an all enthu mood for this exam 7 months before the exam. I considered myself a real smartass and came to the conclusion that I would sail through this exam. After all I am a Goddamn engineering student. Quants toh apni jeb mein hai.

 

So as it turned out I didn’t really take the thing seriously skipping lectures and mock tests. The only real preparation I did was to join online forums where other smartasses like me logged in and threw random inspirational stuff at each other instead of just logging off and studying.

 

It was after I filled the CAT form that I felt I was as clueless about it as a drunk rock star who has been just summoned to fight a war. So I did what all sincere boys do, I made a study time table which was part of my master plan to crack the exam. But most sincere boys don’t have to tackle one crucial factor which in my case led to the failure of the whole time table idea, my insurmountable laziness.

 

So now there were two weeks left for CAT and my preparations when compared to the people on those same online forums, (these were different people on the forums now, the earlier smartasses had mysteriously vanished) were a mere zilch.

That is when I decided that these two weeks belonged to me and I saw the Shahrukh khan speech in Chak de India! several times to inspire me through these days.

But it clearly turned out my wretched college profs had different plans.

 

In the first week I had the following things to do at college:

1) Five submissions.

2) Three vivas.

3) One KT viva.

 

So much for the whole Chak de CAT thing!

So it was the last 5 days I used to prepare for the toughest competitive exam of this country.

The night before the CAT is when I showed something which only real managers’ show, Panic.

Thus being a smart ass that I was, I tried managing the crisis by gulping down half a bottle of cough syrup so I could get sleep.

Well I did feel sleepy; well not in the night I didn’t sleep a minute, but in the morning just before the CAT as the cough syrup took full effect. A pulsating head and heavy eyes filled with sleep during the test is what I got after my genius plan of doing everything at the very last moment.

The results here for everyone to see.

 

DI: 40/100(97.xx%ile) Decent enough.

VA: 42/160 (94.xx%ile) Okay not bad.

And finally setting a record low score for any engineering student in the quant section…… Quants: 2/100 (26.xx%ile)

Overall: 84/360 (90.xx%ile)

 

Moral of the story:

1)      Before the exam if you think you are a ‘smartass’, then there are good chances that you would end up looking like the last three letters of the word after it.

2)      Just because you are an engineering student doesn’t mean you are good at quants. This is one of the stupidest CAT myths that I have just manage to bust .

3)      Don’t start preparation by joining online forums

4)      Instead use the old fashion get-off-your-ass-and-start-studying technique.

5)      It doesn’t matter that you are trying to crack CAT or feeding the poor and hungry, if you are an engineering student your Profs would always be there to screw you over.

6)      Do not watch stupid Shah rukh khan movies before the CAT, instead watch something like Karzzz or Deshdrohi which would discourage the whole movie watching thing and help in achieving point number 4.

7)      And lastly do not carry out any substance abuse. No cough syrup, no sleeping pills, no hash, weed, coke, heroin, vodka, rum, whitener, rat poison, mosquito repellant or toilet disinfectant 24 hrs prior to the test. Anything which makes you ‘high’ or ‘relaxed’ would have the opposite effect on your scores.

 

 

 

 

An interesting little encounter.

 

This is about a short, interesting and humorous encounter that my sister told me she had with a lady in a bus.

My sister Sadia is a first year architecture student; she mostly travels by bus to college, and mostly is sketching some of her project related sketches even when sitting in the bus (unlike me she is totally dedicated to her course).

She had got a project to make some sort of a tribute for the people who lost their lives in the recent Mumbai terror attacks, for which she had to sketch some scary faces representing different forms of terror. So there she was she was sitting on her usual ‘streeeyann saathi’ (Ladies only) seat doing her scary little sketches when this random lady, lets call her Mrs. X sits, next to her, and starts a little conversation.

Here is how her conversation went.

 

Mrs. X : Hi! what is this you are doing, is this part of your work?

 

Sadia: No actually I am an architecture student and this is a part of a project I have to do.

 

Mrs. X: Wow that is nice, I am a physics teacher at National college, Bandra.

 

Sadia: Ahuh….(she tried to end it there)

 

Mrs X: So what is this project all about.

 

Sadia : ( Explains to her the whole tribute for the victims of the terrorist attacks and stuff)

 

Mrs X: Oh! That is great.

 

Sadia: Yaaa….. (trying to concentrate on her sketches).

 

Mrs X: Wait let me help out here….

 

Sadia: (does a little “oh no!” to herself)

 

Mrs X:  You should make faces of Muslim people they are really scary.

 

Sadia: ( Looks at her with a blank face)

 

Mrs X: Yeah these muslim men, they look so scary with their long beards and weird clothes, they are tall huge and very scary people.

Even Muslim women have got that peculiar look in their scarves they all look so scary to me I tell you…

 

Sadia: (Immediately after Mrs. X ended) Aunty, I am a Muslim.

Mrs.X: (Looks embarrassed at first then after about 15 seconds of silence bursts out in an insane loud laughter, the laughter which people usually give to cover up a screw up )

Ohhhhhh…… Haha! So you are a Muslim Hahaha( taps on Saida’s shoulder) ohh hahaa no you don’t look like one….see I didn’t mean all muslims are like that u know….haha… Don’t mind okay..

 

Sadia: (Looks at her in amusement)

 

Then she kept quite for the rest of the journey and quietly got down at her stop without even looking at the budding architect.

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.

.

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..

How these people stereotype others. I hope she learnt her lesson.

Mindful of nothing

It’s 1:20am, 1^st January 2009. The whole world is out partying, chilling with friends, welcoming the New Year like they do every year, I wonder from where they get the New Year enthusiasm year after year after year for every December 31^st eve. Don’t they get bored after a while and realize all this is fine once or twice, but the same shit gets boring when repeated every freaking year? I guess this is just an excuse for guys who don’t have a zero social life like me to hit on chicks.

 

Okay so everyone is out there having a great time, but what am I doing apart from cribbing about how I am left alone here in my home staring at a monitor on New Years Eve. Well what I am trying to do here on the very first day of the year 2009, a year I reckon would be special for me as I would complete my graduation and my life would hopefully have some sort of a direction, is something I guess only few poor souls would want to do on a day like this.

 

Yes I am trying to start a blog. It’s something I always wanted to do, after realizing that all the intellectuals and smart people that I meet online usually have a blog and since I am a huge wannabe intellectual and smart person that is exactly what I am trying to do.

 

So here goes my New Year resolution, although my resolutions don’t usually last a long time, like once when I had decided I would be a good student in college by attending all lectures in the coming year only to find my self in a hukka parlor on the 2^nd day with my lukkha college friends bunking almost the entire day by not attending a single lecture, I am hereby declaring that I would start a blog and would try my level best to maintain it.

 

But there are a few doubts I have before starting this whole thing (I know you don’t care but still):

 

1)      Would I ever get over my laziness and write anything after this post? well I don’t know.

2)      Do I have a good enough vocab to look uber smart and anywhere close to an online intellectual? I really don’t think so.

3)      What exactly would my blog contain? Never thought much about that.

4)      Where would I advertise about this blog so that more people read it? Maybe in my Orkut about me, the only problem to that being the number of profile visits I get these days, sometimes it goes as low as 1 in an entire week!

5)      And finally if I do manage to put something up here, who would exactly care and would be interested in reading the absolute random crap that I would churn out?

 

Hmm…But what the heck, new year, new enthu for a new blog, lets see how far this goes (no I am not being a skeptic, I really want to see how far I take this).

Let me quote a line from a rage against the machine song, although they were in a completely different context but fits perfectly here, ‘It has to start somewhere it has to start sometime what better place than here, what better time than now?’

 

Welcome year 2009 [J]

P.S: These designer ‘happy new year’ forward SMSes are really irritating me. [:x]